Why do we forget what people tell us?
Because that's how memory works. In the 1880s, Hermann Ebbinghaus measured how fast he forgot what he'd learned. The steepest drop came in the first hours and days. Researchers repeated his experiment in 2015 and got much the same curve.
Personal details have it even harder. They come up in passing, in the middle of a conversation about something else. Her son's name, the trip next month, the half marathon. You meant to remember. A week later, it's gone.
How do you remember personal details?
- Listen for the specifics. Names, dates and plans are what you'll want later. "My daughter just started school" is a detail worth keeping.
- Say it back. "Maya's in first grade? Big year." Repeating a detail in the moment helps it stick, and it shows you heard.
- Write it down within a day. One line, in your own words. Before the forgetting curve does its work.
- Keep it where you'll see it again. A note you have to go looking for is a note you won't read. The best place is wherever you'll next meet them: their profile, your inbox, the meeting invite.
- Look before you meet, and ask about one thing. 30 seconds is enough. "How's Maya liking school?" does more for a relationship than an hour of small talk.
What should you write down after meeting someone?
The ones that make the next conversation about them. Start with these:
- Partner's and kids' names, and their ages
- Where you met, and who introduced you
- Hobbies, teams, trips and events coming up
- What they're working toward, and what's in their way
- Milestones: a new job, a move, a new baby
- How they like to be reached
Skip anything you wouldn't want them to read, like health details or confidential work information.
What gets in the way?
- Writing too much. If a note feels like homework, you'll stop. One line beats none.
- Keeping notes where you never look. A notes app works until the moment you need it, and then it's in another window.
- Treating old notes as facts. A note from two years ago is a question. "Is Theo in school now?" works better than assuming.
- Never using them. A detail only matters when you bring it up. Ask about it.
Questions
What if my notes are out of date?
Use them as questions. Each note shows when you wrote it, so “Is Maya still loving school?” works better than assuming nothing has changed.
Do people know I keep notes on them?
No. Nobody is notified, and your notes are visible only to you.
Is it weird to keep notes on people?
Not if you use them the way a friend would. Writing a detail down shows you were listening. Keep your notes kind and private, and use them to ask better questions.
Is Noted free?
Yes. Noted is free. The Chrome extension and the web app at app.withnoted.com are completely free to use.
- Jaap M. J. Murre and Joeri Dros Replication and Analysis of Ebbinghaus' Forgetting Curve (2015)